Back to Work, Back to Reality

I'm back at work, I'm back to reality. Yesterday, I arrived at the office at exactly 9 am not knowing what lies ahead. As soon as my boss saw me, i was given tasks, and by 10:30 am I'm attending a division meeting. Seems like my desk has been tasked to 3 people when i left. I was given new assignments but unlike before it is now centralized in the office. We had lunch at about 12 noon and missed this life that I had before.
By 3:30 pm, I was back at my feet doing some of the paperwork and more procedural papers were tasked on me. It was like this when I left the office last June. Papers seemed to come from everywhere. My boss requested me to accompany him at SM Mall of Asia (imagine how big the mall is and I walked, from buliding to building) because he wants to buy a phone. By 7:30 we're done with the phone. We had dinner and by 8:15 I'm on my home to Bulacan. Whew! What a day!
My dad is supposed to be celebrating his birthday yesterday. I'm glad it was postponed for today. I had like 7 invitations to diplomatic receptions, dinners and cocktails that I found on my table, and I'm not planning to attend them.
This is the life that I deserved. I far cry from my 2 months of being strapped to our rocking chairs watching noontime shows, news and soap opera. I still ask for your prayers for this life to continue until my dreams are fulfilled.

REAL

You'll know your real friends in times of adversity and mishap. I would like to thank everyone who called and sent text messages from all over the world (naks) from Paris, Brussels, Athens, Kuala Lumpur, Tokyo, Bangkok and even as far as Buenos Aires (I'm not kidding). You know who you are guys . Please continue to include me in your prayers. I never expected that kind of moral support that you have extended during my ordeal (haven't read it? See FIRST BLOG LAST HEARTBREAK). A lot of you guys are asking the latest.. when will I go back to work? wILL I resign? What are my activities lately?

Well, my next Heart Center check-up will be on Tuesday, 15 August 2006. I'm not yet goin back to work. The doctor wants to make sure that my meds would work. Target work date is on 28 August 2006. That's after the FSO exams. (ewan ko kung may babalikan pa kong work... teehee) I'm perfectly fine. I sleep well (unlike before na napaka-irregular). Wala na akong mga bantay! (yehey!) and I'm doin this blog through an internet cafe..... totally alone.. hehe And I am not resigning from my job, but I'll be negotiating on a lighter load.

I've been reading a lot... reviewing(kuno) for the exams. I bought that world history book that Lalaine recommended and doing it in a hundred pages a day (whew!). Malapit na kong matapos sa Medieval ages papasok na ng Modern History (whew!).

I've been going to the National Shrine of the Divine Mercy in Sta. Rosa, Marilao, Bulacan for a healing mass every Saturday. My mom a devotee convinced me to join her with our family. After that a sumptous lunch follows. This is what I am missing all my life... to be with my family at least once a week and enjoying their company.

Oh well..I still have to wait what the doctor has to say.. and what the future would bring.

Can't Get Enough of Rent

This morning before going through my usual routine of reading the newspapers and books, I watched some scenes from Rent again (yeah! call me a Rent Addict). It took seven plays of the first scene before I got enough of it... (yeah I am a rent addict) For those who doesn't know the lyrics of Seasons of Love (the first act/scene) here it is:

ALL: Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty-five thousandMoments so dear.
Five hundred twenty-five thousandSix hundred minutes.
How do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights
In cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes
How do you measure A year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How about love?
Measure in love
Seasons of love.
Seasons of love

JOANNE:Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes!
Five hundred twenty-five thousand Journeys to plan.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand Six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life Of a woman or a man?

COLLINS: In truths that she learned,Or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned,Or the way that she died.
ALLIt's time now to sing out, Tho' the story never ends
Let's celebrate Remember a year in the life of friends

Remember the love! Remember the love! Seasons of love!

JOANNE: Oh you got to got to
Remember the love! remember the love,
You Measure in love know that love is a gift from up above
Seasons of love. Share love, give love spread love
Measure measure you life in love


OOOpppss.. i have wrong lyrics pala... I just checked the real lyrics now (o yeah a Rent addict commits blunders)

Anyway, I got over the first scene and became interested in the "Tango Maureen" scene. It's about a conversation of Mark and Joanne over their apple of their eyes, Maureen. Mark is Maureen's boyfriend who was traded over Joanne, a lesbian lawyer. Parts of their conversation is as follows:

JOANNE: As a matter of fact-

MARK: Honey, I know this act
It's called the "Tango Maureen"
The Tango MaureenI t's a dark, dizzy merry-go-round
As she keeps you dangling

JOANNE: You're wrong

MARK: You're heart she is mangling

JOANNE: It's different with me

MARK: And you toss and you turn'
Cause her cold eyes can burn
Yet you yearn and you churn and rebound

JOANNE:I think I know what you mean

BOTH: The Tango Maureen!

MARK: Has she ever pouted her lips
And called you "Pookie"?

JOANNE: Never

MARK: Have you ever doubted a kiss or two?

JOANNEThis is spooky
Did you swoon when She walked through the door?

MARK: Every time - so be cautious

JOANNE: Did she moon over other boys - ?

MARK: More than moon

JOANNE: I'm getting nauseous

MARK: Where'd you learn to tango?

JOANNE: With the French Ambassador's daughter in her dorm room at Miss Porter's.
And you?

MARK: With Nanetter Himmelfarb The Rabbi's daughter at the Scarsdale Jewish Community Center
It's hard to do this backwards

JOANNE: You should try it in heels!
She cheated

MARK:She cheated

JOANNE: Maureen cheated

MARK: Fuckin' cheated

JOANNE: I'm defeated, I should give up right now

MARK: Gotta look on the bright side
With all of your might

JOANNE: I'd fall for her still anyhow

BOTH: When you're dancing her dance
You don't stand a chance
Her grip of romance makes you fall

It's funny when we think how would our exes or a current and an ex would react of what they both think of you. Just like what happened to me yesterday and today... (ooopss, end of story).
Rent talks about life, love, survival and tragedy. It reminds us that everyday should be lived in La Vie Boheme but that should be coupled with our care for others. As the song "Will I" goes:

Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care?Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?

And if ever in the game of life, someone put us down let us remember Angel's (the homosexual) words in the song, Today 4 U:

Today for you - tomorrow for me
Today for you - tomorrow for me,
I said Today for you - tomorrow for me
Today for you - tomorrow ...Whoa, ohhhhh for me!!!

Hahahaha.. Enjoy RENT, people.. I'm sure there'll be a third helping to this series

525,600 minutes

525,600 minutes... 525,000 moments of cheer... 525,600 minutes.... how do you measure... measure a year..

That first song from RENT (the musical) just amazes me. After watching the movie, i felt good. Now that i have the dvd i've been playing that scene again and again and again. It reminds us that every minute in our lives is so important.. That we should pause for a while and share love and make every season of the year seasons of love.

I almost lost my minutes. I never thought I'd appreciate simple things in life... like walking or having a good meal.

In daylight... in sunsets... in midnights.. in cups of coffee... we take these things for granted. We just have to pause for a while to appreciate this things.

How do you measure a year? Just by letting precious time go by?

Think about it.

Gotta be back to my review...

Grace Amid Adversity

(Continuation of First Blog, Last Heartbreak)

I almost fell from my seat when i heard through text from a colleague, Mau Fajardo, that I passed the prequal FSO exams . I wonder why God would permit that I pass the exam after 8 years, while I was in the middle of the battle of CARDIOMYOPATHY. My eyes suddenly went misty, I was with Tita Me-Anne.... and I searched for answers.

It's time to meet the evil witch doctors on 18 July 2006. And they restricted my activities which made my condition worst. Dra. Gonzaga is out of the country so Dra Monzon was the one who saw me. She saw that I was yellowish (jaundice) so that made me stay at the UST hospital again. When I was at the admission, I saw a picture of Christ the King, I was crying once again, I intently looked at him and asked him why my prayers are not answered. I prayed that if He's going to take away my life then so be it. I'm tired, everyone's tired and I feel that I'm much of a trouble. I texted Orlee and Egay (not the actual texts) :

Me(to Orlee and Egay): Parang di na pinakikinggan ang dasal ko

Orlee: Baka yung sa kin pakinggan

Egay: Bakit naman? Nsan K ba? Nsa Ospital ka na naman?

Me( to Orlee and Egay): I'm admitted sa UST hospital na naman. Galit na galit ako pero di ko alam kung kanino ako magagalit. Ayoko na.

Orlee: Ingat ka. Tell me kung anong nangyayari ha.

Egay: Bakit ka naman magagalit? Lakasan mo ang loob mo.

Me (to Egay): Putangna.. Pagod na ko.. gusto ko nang sumuko.. gusto ko nang mgpahinga

Egay: Wag..pagsubok lang yan di ibibigay ang FSO Exam kung walang dahilan. Isipin mo ang anak ko. Marami pang mararating si Louie.. kelangan makita mo pa yung potensyal ng bata.

Me : Alagaan mo ng ayos ang anak mo. Mukhang di ko na masususbaybayan pa si Louie. Sorry ha. di ko na matutupad ang mga pangarap ko.

Michelle: Kamusta na? Lakasan mo loob mo nand2 kami para sa yo

Arlene: Ililibot mo pa sa Europa ang anak ko. Wag ganyan ute.. nand2 kami para sa yo...

Me(to arlene): Pasensya na.. di ko na matutupad ang mga pangako sa anak nyo. Pagod na pagod na ko. Gusto ko nang magpahinga.. At least nakapagpaalam ako sa inyo. Salamat sa lahat..

And a barrage of text messages came in my phone.. from cousins.

I stayed for another week in UST.. I requested from the witch doctor that I be released on 23 July... the bitch told me to stay for another day.. I became restless.. and threatened me that she'll have me released, on condition that I sign a waiver that it is against doctor's orders (THAT BITCH, THAT BITCH, THAT BITCH, beware people.) which will not prompt Medicard to pay my medical bills.

I also found out I was awarded Most Outstanding Employee Award for my office last July 21, another blessing.

I went home in the heat of the President's SONA, and vowed that I will never ever see that doctor again. The bitch even blocked our request for records at the hospital.

I felt better at home. The bitches told me and my family that i should be restricted of activities (would you believe even walking) which made my relationship with my family an ordeal everytime I wanted to walk or even do non-strenous activities.

I got hold of a computer and wrote the first blog. This is to tell the world that I survived this whole thing.

In the course of writing the blog, I got hold of my friend Lalaine through yahoo messenger. She currently in Paris, France. I told her the same story that you were reading. She told me to see DR. ARISTADES PANLILIO of the Philippine Heart Center for Asia. I told her I will and she promised that she'll go to Lourdes, France for me. I also asked her to visit the Daughters of Charity Convent, propagator of the green scapular, that helped me in my greatest need. (Would you believe my 2D echo showed I don't have clots anymore in the left ventricle and I owe that to the green scapular? Praise God!) She promised she will. I thanked her and I told her maybe her mission in France is to help someone in need.. Thank you so much Lalaine! from the bottom of my battered heart.

Messages of support came in.. from my former boss in Paris, from colleagues, from relatives calling over the phone... friends coming over the house.. some of my relatives even gave us money for medicines.. even transportation for my check-ups with Dr. Panlilio.

Here's my activities for the past four days:

1 August

Consultation with Dr. Panlilio and his words were: "I can't see why people like you can't live a normal life" "You just have to take it easy" "We'll do some tests" "You can work again, you can even go back to your third floor apartment" "Basta if before you could do it in 10 steps, let's make it 9 this time, If you could pull 5 tons of of weight let's make it 3 tons this time"

2 August

Blood tests, Liver Ultrasound, Chest Xray, Installation of the holter monitor at the Intercon Labs Banawe, QC.

We even went to Glorietta and greenbelt and walked for three hours to test the holter monitor.

3 August

The holter monitor was removed at the Intercon labs.

Today 4 August 2006

I had an 2d echo cardiograph test with dr Panlilio doing it at the East Avenue Medical Center. He said:

1. My heart is so weak

2. I got the same case as the actor Rico Yan

3. He didnt see any blood clots in the left ventricle

4. Resignation from my job will kill me in six months because my heart would lack activities

5. Over exertion would kill me too, so I should ask for a desk job.

6. There would be three possibilities that would kill me : either stroke, heart failure or... i forgot the third one..

6. I should see him this afternoon for instructions. (I'LL UPDATE YOU WHAT'LL HAPPEN NEXT)

I LOVE DOCTOR PANLILIO... THE WITCH DOCTORS WOULD HAVE KILLED ME IF I FOLLOWED THEIR SUGGESTION THAT I RESIGN FROM MY JOB.

IMPORTANT THING IS I FEEL BETTER NOW :)

(to be countinued)

First Blog Last Heartbreak

26 June 2006
I was in high spirits when i went to work. I am working on a new project, the RP-Australia Bilateral Consultations on Counter Terrorism with my officemate Lai. It was a Monday, and I only got preps for it just last Friday, on the sidelines of the play, "Godot, Where is You", which i've seen with Orlee before the weekend. I felt a numbing pain on the chest after i went to the bank at lunchtime and decided to call the day off. I slept half the day at the pad, praying i would be better the next day.I also texted my cardiologist that i would see her the next day.

27 June 2006
It's another busy day at the office. Papers flying everywhere.We were scheduled to have our ocular inspection of the Hyatt Hotel at 3 pm for our bilateral consultations the next day. I decided to go to the doctor after the oculars. The chest pain is still there and i breathing heavily. I texted Orlee that instead of meeting somewhere else, he should go to UST hospital instead. I saw my doctor. She ruled out i should go to the lab for some tests. Orlee stayed with me till i get the results. it turned out to be fine. The doctor advised me to go home and rest. And I may go to work the next day.

28 June 2006
After having my breakfast, Lai and I went straight to the Hyatt Hotel for the D-day. We arranged the seating arrangements and helped in the registration. It was quite stressful for nameplates change every now and then. Before lunchtime, my chest pain intensified. I stayed at the secretariat room. My feet became numb that i couldn't stand anymore. Lunch was served and I barely touched it. I only had my dessert and proceeded to arranging the break-out rooms. After that, i saw stars in my eyes... and everything seems to darken... AND THAT WAS WHEN I FELT.... I'M LOSING EVERYTHING...
The driver ( Mang Juanitez) rushed me to the emergency room of the UST Hospital. They found out my blood pressure dropped to 60/30 and asked me how could i manage to stay awake. A lot of doctors were beside me checking my blood pressure. Medical equipments beeped that it seemed like forever. I called up my brother Joey and became impatient that they are not yet at the hospital. My phone rang wildly, one phone call was answered by the doctor.... It was Orlee's call and all I heard when i was half asleep was... HE IS STILL NOT STABLE.
My right hand was inserted with a heplock and my arm was inside an automatic sphymomanometer that measures blood pressure every ten minutes. After an hour or so... the doctors relaxed... some clapping their hands... my bp is no 90/60 and still getting better. The doctors left me with the chest pain. I was treated with isokeit(?) solution for chest pain. And I never felt so alone in my life.
My brother arrived... with tita miling and my mom. My mom stayed at the lobby of the hospital because she cant bear to stay at the emergency room. The doctors told me i should be confined at the ICU (wow!). I told them I'm still awake! Those who go to ICU are hopeless cases! I was wheeled in to the CVU instead. The Cardio Vascular Unit are for those with heart ailments. Most patients are at their 70's with tubes inserted in every part of the body that you could think of. Orlee came much later in the evening.. and that is the longest day of my life.

29 June - 6 Jul 2006
I do not like my doctors. I just can feel it. It is not DR. Aileen Cynthia Llarena, the PHILAMCARE doctor. The evil doctor sisters DR. Graziella Garayblas-Gonzaga and Dr. E. Gonzaga-Monzon (beware of them, MEDICARD doctors) are the witches that haunt me in my sleep. I don't seem to get better everyday unlike under the care of Dr. Llarena. It seems that they are keeping me in hospital for a long time. There is also a drastic change in medications and procedures done on me at the hospitals. Most meds are done orally which made my IV useless! Good thing there's tv in the CVU i got to watch Pacquiao's fight, CNN, the Lifestyle Network and National Geographic. Another good thing with the witch doctors is that they are honest enough to tell me I could experience sudden death anytime. They told me I got a clot in my left ventricle (which is just a suspicion before) and my heart only has 28% rate of infraction.

ROOM 2006
My CVU room is 2007 just across room 2006. There's a small window at the door with blinds that let's you see what's inside room 2006. In my imagination, I met tatang. Tatang barely moved and looks like he's bedridden for a long time.I told Tatang on the night of June 24 that he should go to sleep and I'm praying for his speedy recovery. Joey, my brother, and Jeffrey, my hospital watcher, heard me say this and told me to stop hallucinating.
On the wee hours of 25 June 2006, just before Pacquiao's fight, I heard Joey and Jeffrey scramble to the door's window and witness how Tatang is being revived. Tatang died that morning. In the small window, I could still remember how his relatives wept and how he is being wrapped for the morgue. I wonder if I'll suffer the same fate.
During Pacquiao's fight RM 2006 was empty. The nurses watched the Pacquiao- Larios fight in that room. At about 7 pm another occupant was wheeled in at RM 2006. He's about my age. But he looks like he's married. I never ever dared to hallucinate talking to that guy just like what i did to Tatang. But at 11 pm he had a mayday. Before the day ended, he suffered the same fate as tatang. RM 2006 was empty again but during my remaining days at the CVU i never dared to look at the door's window nor be interested in the next occupant of RM 2006.

THE EVIL STEP SISTER
I wonder why i was kept at CVU for a long time. There are no procedures done and no meds are given. My MEDICARD limit is depleting at the cost of 2000 pesos a day, the CVU rate. Nurses were also wondering. I asked the evil step sister and she said " you maybe discharged tomorrow, the next day or the day after". Hmmm... something is fishy.

6 July 2006
Finally LIBERATION! My family welcomed me back to the house. I was always emotional. I was crying when i saw my cousins and my godchild, Louie. I thought I may not see her again. I can barely walk. I can barely talk. And everyone's seem to be restraining me. It seems like I'm not myself anymore.

7 July 2006
Almost half of the Office of Protocol and State Visits visited me at the house in Bulacan. When I saw ASSEC Jerril Santos, I can't help but cry. I saw my dreams falling apart. When I saw my colleagues in Bulacan, it suddenly dawned on me that soon I'll be helpless and worst useless. I would like to thank my officemates who were there that day. You know who you are. You lifted my spirits and I know you are praying for me all the time.

I also found out that I passed the qualifying portion of the FSO Exams (wow after eight years!)

(to be continued)